No Such Thing as a Frozen Girlfriend
It’s hard to write when your girlfriend is turning blue on the sofa. Shit, do I stop writing and get gas, or carry on and let her freeze to death? It’s a tough one. Fuck it, I’ll de-thaw her when I’m done.
I’m lucky, the cold doesn’t worry me too much. Shit, her lips are actually blue. But her teeth have stopped chattering. Either she’s warming up naturally or her jaw has frozen shut. Either way, at least I can concentrate on what I was writing without all that noise from her teeth snapping together.
It’s a snow day. The kids are off school. I went outside to see what dramatic weather event had caused this entire shutdown of the education system and found the snow, where there was snow, barely reached passed the souls of my shoes.
We are weak, us Brits.
I think the reason the schools are shut is because of the snow they think is coming. They are predicting 10cm – 20cm of snow. That’s a hell of a guess. If you asked me how big my cock was and I said between 10” and 20” you would probably think the higher number was unlikely. You would probably doubt the lower number too. 20cm of snow is unlikely.
Having said that, me and the icicle, if I can unfreeze her, are off to Brighton tonight to see No Such Thing as a Fish live. The power steering in my mini bus has gone (can power steering fluid freeze?) so I’ll be driving her Land Rover. Things are already conspiring to fuck up my plans. Snow, a broken car, and a frozen girlfriend. But then, if things always went smoothly, there would be no good stories to tell.
Man, No Such Thing as a Fish! I can’t wait to go see them. If you don’t know what that is, I will enlighten you. No Such Thing as a Fish is a podcast hosted by the QI elves. Every week they sit around a microphone and share their four favourite facts of the week. In the live show they do the same thing, just with more beer and wine in them.
Anyway, I have things I should be doing. I’m off now to prepare a manuscript and cover letter to be sent off to 42 literary agents. My deadline, imposed by the frozen one, is World Book Day. That day is today so I have much work to do. Off I go. Wish me luck.
I Think Super Mario is a Leprechaun
I’ve just seen the trailer for the new Mario game that’s coming out on the Switch. I thought Mario was a human!? Mario Odyssey is based in the real world, instead of the Mushroom Kingdom, and so there are normal people milling around the city (New Donk City…) and Mario, by comparison, is clearly not human. I think Mario might be a leprechaun.
Everything I thought I new about Mario is a lie. Plumber my arse. That explains why he never a tool kit. He’s just a leprechaun with a fetish for boiler suits. Pervert.
Still, this is the first time I’ve been excited about a console coming out since 1996 when the N64 came out (mine’s been plugged in since 1997). The game looks damn good. I think I can get by Mario’s newly revealed perversion. That little deviant. The first thing I’m going to do when I get the game is jump on that woman’s head. I think she might be a Goomba in disguise.
Check out the trailer –
The Book Trailer
Book trailers. I hear that’s the new thing. “Make a book trailer,” they say, “People will watch it and then you’ll be famous. Everyone will buy your book because they saw a video of it. It’s all about getting the word out.”
There used to be a time when all a writer had to be able to do is write. That was it. Nothing more was really expected of them. Now your abilities at marketing and promotion outweigh the necessity to write a good book. You must be a writer, an advertiser, a director, and a blog forum socialite. You must be shallow. I’m not very good at self-promotion. I made an advert though. You can watch it in a sec, it’s just below these words. Before you do though, let me apologise for the lack of effort I put in to making the advert. You see, my daughter was making a video for her YouTube channel and when she was done she left the camera out. So I thought, hey, I know, I’ll make a trailer! So I pressed record, sat down, and went for it. There was no real thought or idea behind what I was going to do. But now it is done. Tripping the Night Fantastic has its very own commercial. Yay.
Andrew Chapman / Author and Screenwriter 