Andrew Chapman Film Review

A  Short Guide to Watching The Big Lebowski

First you’ll need to find an appropriate glass. A straight short tumbler. Put ice in it. Eyeball measure one part Kahlua to one part vodka, then pour in two parts light cream (milk is also suitable). Stir. You now have a White Russian. Every time The Dude makes himself a White Russian, make yourself one too. If you are watching with friends, ensure that they do the same.

The Dude abides

If they don’t drink due to being pregnant, they’re a recovering alcoholic, because they are currently taking medicine that reacts badly with alcohol, or simply because they are one of those annoyingly high achieving twats who has their shit together (fuck those guys), they can watch the film too, just know that they won’t be enjoying the film as much as you.

Slowly get drunk until the film swims into your soul and becomes a part of you.

When the credits roll, have an existential crisis, quit your job and dedicate the rest of your life to trying and failing to write a screenplay half as good as this one.

Die knowing that you tried to do something interesting with your small insignificant life.

Andrew Chapman Screenwriting

Writing Runts

While I was between jobs, about a year and a half ago, I wrote a feature-length script in four weeks. This week, I read it for the first time since then. It’s a hell of a lot better than I remember. It needs a couple of new scenes and a slightly different ending, but I’ve got that all figured out, and I’m on a mission to finish it today.

The next step for this script is the almost impossible step. It requires luck, an incredible amount of random chance, and not much else. Somewhere out there is a director who is looking for something exactly like this, and our paths have to cross at just the right time.

RUNTS. A council house in the south of England. Night. Two young brothers bury their dead mother in the garden.

So begins a story of two boys, Brian, aged 11, and Dean, 16, as they learn to fend for themselves while keeping this dark secret. Things spiral out of control, and Brian begins to realise that there is something very, very, wrong with his older brother.

Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff

The Madness of the Criterion Collection

I’ve never owned a Blu-Ray player. I had amassed a towering DVD collection from the late 90s to about 5 years ago which got so large and cumbersome I moved it into storage. In the end streaming services took over and large swathes of it were sold off. I like streaming but I’ve always missed my physical movie library.

My film nerd friends out there will know the words, Criterion Collection. They are a company that, in their words, dedicate themselves to gathering the greatest films from around the world and publishing them in editions of the highest technical quality, with supplemental features that enhance the appreciation of the art of film.

They don’t release the films that made the most money, or got the best reviews, they release the films that they think deserve to be presented in the best possible quality.

The Criterion Collection breeds madness. There are videos on YouTube of people standing in their Criterion Closets (walk-in wardrobes racked floor to ceiling with expensive Blu-Rays) swooning over their own obscure knowledge of movies you’ve never heard of. “The visual poetry of Jean Cocteau’s, Orpheus is… etc etc etc”. And in the next breath they’ll be equally excited about their Criterion release of Robocop. And rightly so.

It is a cult.

I am now a member of that cult.

For it is my birthday today and Rachel has given me my very first Blu-Ray player! And… My very first Criterion Blu-Ray!

Destry Rides Again is James Stewart’s first foray into the Western genre… etc etc etc