Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff

The Madness of the Criterion Collection

I’ve never owned a Blu-Ray player. I had amassed a towering DVD collection from the late 90s to about 5 years ago which got so large and cumbersome I moved it into storage. In the end streaming services took over and large swathes of it were sold off. I like streaming but I’ve always missed my physical movie library.

My film nerd friends out there will know the words, Criterion Collection. They are a company that, in their words, dedicate themselves to gathering the greatest films from around the world and publishing them in editions of the highest technical quality, with supplemental features that enhance the appreciation of the art of film.

They don’t release the films that made the most money, or got the best reviews, they release the films that they think deserve to be presented in the best possible quality.

The Criterion Collection breeds madness. There are videos on YouTube of people standing in their Criterion Closets (walk-in wardrobes racked floor to ceiling with expensive Blu-Rays) swooning over their own obscure knowledge of movies you’ve never heard of. “The visual poetry of Jean Cocteau’s, Orpheus is… etc etc etc”. And in the next breath they’ll be equally excited about their Criterion release of Robocop. And rightly so.

It is a cult.

I am now a member of that cult.

For it is my birthday today and Rachel has given me my very first Blu-Ray player! And… My very first Criterion Blu-Ray!

Destry Rides Again is James Stewart’s first foray into the Western genre… etc etc etc

Andrew Chapman An Authors Life, Audiobooks, The Accidental Scoundrel, Tripping the Night Fantastic

Another Year Burns to Ashes

In a few days I will be older than I was one year ago by exactly a year. It is quite remarkable. The same thing happened to me last year.

Last year, on the 12th of May, I was one year older than I was the year before on that exact same date. It really is a marvel. Something to be celebrated. A thing has been achieved. I must be showered with presents.

Once a year, on the day we slipped into the arms of a midwife – covered in God knows what – we push wax into cakes and light them on fire. Completely normal behaviour. The seasons have changed, I have less hair and am marginally uglier. Yippee. Let’s blow out some fire.

Time is spinning down the drain like dirty water. I have no idea what age I will become on the 12th of May (which is a Tuesday by the way. A day that nobody has any use for. What interesting thing has ever happened on a Tuesday? Only dull things. Meetings, rain, bills, stubbed toes: these are all Tuesday things.) I suppose I could work out how old I will be. I was born in 1984 so somewhere in my mid-thirties.

I have tried to forget the exact number. I am prone to thinking I am older than I am so it’s always a nice surprise when I discover my actual age.

I have just asked my partner, Rachel, and she says I will be turning thirty-six. I have no reason not to believe her.

People have been asking me what I want for my birthday. I have been replying with the answer, “Nothing.” Apparently this is not a good enough answer.

So I gave in. I decided fine, if they want to buy me presents, I will choose some presents.

I have logged into Rachel’s Amazon account and put things in her basket. I did the same with my mother’s account (for I have their login details. Bwa Ha Ha!).

I have been ordered to forget what these things are so they are still a surprise for me when I receive them so I’m afraid I can’t tell you what they are, for I have forgotten.

I will be back on the 12th May to share with you what I got. One of the items is over ten feet squared, so who knows where I’m going to put it? It won’t fit where we live.

If you would like to buy me a present (to celebrate the incremental journey to my eventual demise) you can do so by buying a gift for yourself: One of my brilliantly funny, witty, and just overall excellent novels.

Actually, you don’t even have to buy them. Below are links to the audiobooks of my first two novels where you can get them for free (UK only unfortunately). You enjoying my writing is as good a gift to me as anything. If you don’t have much use for an audiobook then both of the titles are available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon. I will leave you to search for them, rather than littering the page with links.

Tripping the Night Fantastic audiobook.

The Accidental Scoundrel audiobook.

Leave nothing to Death but a burned out castle – Nikos Kazantzakis