Sometimes writing is just hard. Every word is like hefting a lump of marble onto the page. For me, the rewrite is my enemy. What’s the hardest part of writing for you?
A Day In The Life Of An Author
Worth watching for the bits with Rachel Howells in, because she’s just funny. Feel free to skip through my not particularly extraordinary day though…
The Bestseller Experiment
Hello! Does anybody listen to writing podcasts? Do you have a favourite? I’m always looking for new podcasts to listen to so please post them below!
I am completely biased. I listen to a bunch but I have a favourite and I want to share it with you.
The Bestseller Experiment: probably the nicest place on the internet.
I’ve made a little video about it.
Macabre Countdown to Halloween number 9!
The curiously scientific death of Francis Bacon.
Great Writing Advice Great Writers Ignore
Transcript
If you are looking for tips to improve your writing you will find them here. But you will also discover that doing whatever the hell you want can work just as well too.
Gertrude Stein, the famous American novelist, poet, and playwright said –
Punctuation is necessary only for the feeble minded.
Before we venture into the spiralling madness of authors who go against the rules, I just discovered that the word “playwright” is written P L A Y W R I G H T . I assumed it would be spelled P L A Y W R I T E . Like someone who writes plays. Playwrite. This might be because I am a fool. It might also be because the English language is endlessly surprising. Etymologically speaking Playwright is similar to wheelwright. A wheelwright was someone who wrought wheels out of wood and iron. And so a playwright is someone who has wrought words into a dramatic form. Like the words have been hammered and bent into submission.
But this isn’t about playwrights. This is about rules god damn it, so let’s get to it.
There are hundreds of books about the rules of writing correctly. As authors we walk a tightrope of good grammar. At any moment we could fall into a pit of dangling participles, passive sentences, repetition, the much feared adverb that reveals the writers inability to show instead of tell, repetition, a misplaced comma, and god forbid; a rogue semi colon. And worst of all, repetition.
But how important are these rules and how much are they going to actually hinder your success?
Rule one
Only ever use he said or she said, and never follow it up with an adverb.
You don’t even need to use he asked, or she replied. He said is a tag to notify the reader who has spoken. They become invisible to the reader. We scan over them as we read.
Of course you can say, said Graham, or Susan said, but be warned; only do that if you have characters named Graham or Susan. If not, I would recommend using the names of your own characters. The key here is economy of words, and clarity. The reader wants to know who is speaking but nothing more. All the dramatic work should be done in the dialogue or the surrounding prose.
You might have a character at the breakfast table. His wife has prepared breakfast for him. And we get the following piece of dialogue. “I wanted my eggs runny, not raw,” said Graham, angrily.
Instead of using the word angrily, you would write something like, “I wanted my eggs runny, not raw,” said Graham, picking up his plate and throwing it at Susan.
You see, we have a vivid image, instead of “angrily”. There is no doubt that replacing the adverb is better.
Unless of course, you are one of the bestselling authors of all time.
Stephen King said about J. K. Rowling –
Ms Rowling seems to have never met an adverb she didn’t like.
It’s true. Her prose is littered with them.
I’m a sucker for this rule and I try to never use adverbs. But maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of throwing a few in every now and then. It hasn’t exactly hindered the success of Harry Potter.
Exclamation marks!
Avoid them. If you have more than three exclamation marks in your entire novel you have too many. It is lazy. It doing work that should be self-evident in the words being spoken, or the events that are unfolding. If you need to add a nudge at the end of sentence to let the reader know that THIS BIT IS REALLY SURPRISING then something is wrong.
Your words should speak for themselves without the fanfare to highlight how loud someone is shouting or that an explosion is really big. And just on an aesthetic level it makes the page look cluttered and messy.
Having said that, in Joe Hill’s hugely successful book, NOS4A2, there is an exclamation mark every time Charlie Manx, the bad guy in the story, speaks.
You will also find an excessive use of exclamation marks in the books of Tom Wolfe, F Scott Fitzgerald, Jane Austin, and of course the biggest offender of all, James Joyce.
Some people think of those authors as being amongst the best literary writers in history. So maybe using more than three in a book won’t be so bad.
Speech Marks
Here’s a curious one; when writing dialogue should you use the double quotation mark or the single one? That has a straightforward answer.
The publishing standard in the UK is to use a single quotation mark. And in the US, they use the double quotation mark.
Unless of course you’re the bestselling author Roddy Doyle, who uses neither. He just starts each piece of dialogue with a dash.
Cormac McCarthy, author of No Country for Old Men, and The Road, didn’t believe in speech marks either, saying –
I believe in periods, in capitals, in the occasional comma, and that’s it.
On the subject of basic punctuation, in the last twenty-four thousand words of James Joyce’s Ulysses there are only two full stops and one comma.
So what’s the point of all this? Well, simply, there is no right or wrong way to write well. You can do whatever the hell you like. The books that break through and become huge bestsellers are littered with broken rules. Nobody in the publishing industry can predict what makes a book become a bestseller. Writers have tried to hone their craft with best practices but, ultimately it’s for nothing.
My advice is that you should learn and understand all these things and then use them at your discretion. Be free to write the way you want to write.
Maybe you don’t need to polish your prose into a smooth perfectly formed generic thriller. Let it be a bit rugged around the edges. Let a bit of your voice come through.
Writing is like music. You can release a highly produced pop song that does well in the charts, and you will do well. For me, those songs are polished so smooth I bounce right off.
Or you can be like Bob Dylan. Sometimes he would screw up a word while singing and just say the word again. He didn’t even go back and rerecord it. It’s right there in the song. He might screw up twenty seconds in and just start eh song again, and it’s right there in the album. It’s those cracks in the perfection that let us in. It’s true for all art, and it’s especially true for writing.
That’s all from me!
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AuthorTube Newbie Tag 2.0 – AuthorTube with Andrew Chapman
In the world of AuthorTube (the dark corner of YouTube in which authors lurk) there is an obligatory rite of passage called the AuthorTube Newbie Tag 2.0, which is essentially a set of 13 questions that introduce you to the community. Here is mine.
The Manic Race to the Deadline! First draft done!
Last night was a bit mental. I had made a public declaration on here and on the Bestseller Experiment podcast group on Facebook, that I would complete a novella by midnight on the 31st Jan. On the 1st Jan I only had one chapter. Yesterday morning I still had six chapters to write.
I decided to document my race to the end with short videos on TikTok and shared them on Twitter and Instagram. I needed to give myself the added pressure of other people’s expectations.
Midnight came and I still had three chapters to go. I finally finished at 1:44 this morning, feeling frazzled and slightly nuts.
It’s done!!
Much polishing to do now. A cover is in the works which I will reveal soon.
The story is called Gnome. It’s a homage to creature feature movies from the 80s. Critters, Gremlins, The Gate, and Ghoulies. And the basic idea behind the story was inspired by a Brothers Grimm story of the same name.
This was only the first part of my public declaration. The second part is to complete a story called The Projectionist and The Wall People by 30th April. And then to finish a movie screenplay called Price of Life by the last day in June.
It’s going to be a busy year. I can’t wait!
Here’s the last video I posted at 1:44 this morning-
One Click And It’s Yours. QUICK!
BOOK ONE
Tripping the Night Fantastic … FREE AUDIOBOOK!!! (Normally worth loads of money).
And there’s another one below if you keep scrolling. I’m such a generous dude. Holy moly.
Rude, charming, funny and offensive. Tripping the Night Fantastic is a dark comedy about a writer, Charlie Deavon, who attempts to solve a murder that he is accused of while under the influence of a new hallucinogenic drug called Merlin. Struggling with reality and suspecting he might be a character in a novel, Charlie trips and hallucinates his way to the solution of this unique and uproariously funny murder mystery.
To get the audiobook for free simply click on this link –
https://www.freeaudiobookcodes.com/book_details.php?BOOK_ID=1228
Just one click of the button and you can have one or both of my novels delivered straight to your Audible library. No sign up, no accounts, just a free book (that normally costs quite a bit of money).
Once the codes are gone they are gone though. As me and the narrator still get paid when you get the book for free Audible, quite sensibly I suppose, put a limit on how many we can give away.
BOOK TWO
The Accidental Scoundrel
A group of elderly and bored aristocrats have taken to stealing rare and priceless items to pass the time. A young man named Richard gets swept up in their world when he gets engaged to the daughter of the dangerously unpredictable Lord Rochdale. Although Richard is not particularly comfortable with theft, or much of the roguish behaviour that goes with it, he must prove to Rochdale that he has scoundrel potential in order to marry his daughter and, more importantly, stay alive.
With the help of a disgruntled horse and a genius street urchin Richard haphazardly stumbles his way through Rochdale’s trials and not only survives but gains the respect (although he’s not entirely sure how) of Lord Rochdale and his elite group of scoundrels. Now all he has to do is steal a priceless bottle of whiskey.
“Do we have a new Wodehouse?” (Robert Wingfield, The INCA Project)
“Anyone disappointed that Hugh Laurie’s second novel never turned up will be glad they picked up The Accidental Scoundrel and gave it a damn good reading.” – Jem Roberts, author of the upcoming official Fry and Laurie biography, Soupy Twists!
Same as above, different link – https://www.freeaudiobookcodes.com/book_details.php?BOOK_ID=1229
One Page Punch Up
I submitted the first page of my new book to The Bestseller Experiment podcast to be criticised in what they call a One Page Punch Up. There were many submissions but, to my joy (and sudden apprehension), I got selected!
And so best-selling author, Mark Stay (author of Back to Reality and the film Robot Overlords starring Gillian Anderson and Ben Kingsley) and Juliet Ewers (Publishing Associate at Orion Publishing who has previously worked with Ian Rankin and Michael Conolly) critiqued the opening page of Shelley Town RPG, my latest novel (it’s a Stephen King-esque horror).
The episode came out. Me and Rachel pressed play and listened. A grin started to spread across my face. By the time it was done we were speechless.
If you want yo hear what these two respected experts had to say about my writing you can listen on the link below! They reviewed five pages. Mine is first so you won’t have to scroll through the audio trying to find me.
So it goes…
The laptop has finally died. I knew it was on its way out. I was hoping to keep it going with sheer will of thought. But no. It has loaded it’s last Word doc and joined the great mother board in the sky.
So that’s the end of writing on the road. I’m open to donations for a new laptop. Or if you happen to have a laptop you don’t want or use I will be happy to adopt it.
Someone told me once about a strange technology called “paper and pen” I think I’ll give that a go 👌


