Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff

Did a Ghost just fly out of this Trumpet?

(Video of ghost at bottom of post)

I don’t believe in ghosts. Let’s start with that. I have recently moved into the house my mother grew up in. 5 generations of my family have lived in this house over the years. We haven’t always owned the house, and there was a gap of about 40 years where other families lived here, but serendipitously the house wound up back in the family.

It is said that my mother’s grandmother haunts the small room upstairs (now my daughter’s bedroom. Please don’t tell her). My great grandmother didn’t approve of my parents’ marriage and on the morning of their wedding her ghost made her displeasure known. The small room upstairs is L shaped and on the far wall, around the corner of the L, was stacked some collapsible chairs. Those chairs had somehow moved around the corner and wedged themselves against the door so no one could get in. All of the wedding stuff was trapped.

Fast forward to present day. Last weekend my sister and her son moved in with me. My sister looks a lot like my mother, and I look a lot like my uncle. My sister, being of the hysterical type, is convinced that her being has stirred up the ghost.

“She’s going to think I’m mum!” she bellowed, like a mad twenty eight year old toddler.

“Ghosts aren’t real. Please move. You’re blocking the telly.”

“I was taking a picture of the cats yesterday and a ghost walked past the camera. I shit you not.”

“I’m trying to watch QI.”

“A real ghost.”

“You’re not going to move are you?”

“We should film me and see if there’s a ghost. What’s the best way to do that?”

“I think you have to play the trumpet while listening to Wagner.”

“Ok. Let’s do it.”

“You’re mental.”

“You’re just scared.”

“Fine. Go get the trumpet.”

And so it was that we came to film the video below. And lo and behold, at the end of the video, a fucking ghost flies out of the trumpet. Personally I think it’s a piece of dust with a sense of humour. My sister on the other hand is still crying.

Andrew Chapman An Authors Life, The Other Stuff, Words and Writers

10 Simple Steps to Getting Noticed on Wattpad

10 Simple Steps Cover

Step one

Write a book called, “10 Simple Steps to Getting Noticed on Wattpad.” (Like I did right here – https://www.wattpad.com/story/51458336 )

Step two

Use said book to give helpful information. Slyly mention your main book as an example. Just like I’m about to do in step three.

Step three

Have an excellent cover with a very funny sticker in the top right-hand corner (Here’s a good example of what I mean – https://www.wattpad.com/story/41481274-the-accidental-scoundrel )

Step four

Sell your soul. Here’s a helpful guide to get you started –

1) Put your book in a shoebox along with a lock of your own hair, some toenail clippings, and a picture of Hellen Mirren.

2) Go to the middle of a crossroads and bury the shoe box. (Depending on the type of road surface you may need a pneumatic drill and a fake stop sign, especially if you intend to do this at rush hour.)

3) Say the words, “Unbiwattpadio garnethme readerworms ignitio soulio.”

4) Wait.

5) Apologise to the traffic and go back home.

6) Consult a psychiatrist.

Step five

Consider packing the whole thing in.

Step six

Having consumed quite a lot of whisky remember how brilliant a writer you really are and get straight back on to Wattpad.

Step seven

Endlessly follow other authors and pretend to like their books so they will pretend to like yours in return.

Step eight

Wonder where exactly this staircase is leading to. Do you have an attic? Look back at the previous seven steps and try and remember exactly what it was you came up here for in the first place.

Step nine

Lean against metaphorical banister and call psychiatrist and say you’re having a metaphysical meltdown and could he please recommend alcohol as you think it would do a lot better than any time spent on a chaise longue. Remember that “chaise longue” is French for “long chair” and chuckle at how unsophisticated that particular piece of furniture now seems.

Step ten

Put your finger in your ear and wiggle it up and down. No really, try it. Doing it? It sounds just like Pac-Man doesn’t it?

Step eleven (damn, I’ve miscounted somehow)

I don’t know how to get noticed on Wattpad. It’s really hard, man. I’ve been on here for like 4 months and I’ve only got one vote. You are really asking the wrong person.

Thank you for reading. Now, go and read The Accidental Scoundrel and, if it makes you laugh, do please vote for it.

Oh, and – Step Twelve

Never directly ask for votes.

Andrew Chapman An Authors Life, The Other Stuff, Words and Writers

Comedy: the runt of the genre litter

I think there should be a movement in literature. Humour needs recognition. Movies, television, theatre, music, they all have a legitimate genre section. So why not literature? I went to my local branch of Waterstones to find something to tickle my funny bone. It’s not easy. Where is The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? In the Sci-Fi section. Terry Pratchett? – Fantasy. P. G. Wodehouse? – general fiction. Dave Wong? – horror.

And the TV and Film version of the above? They are in the comedy section. And nobody frowns upon it. So why not books?

And it’s fine if you know the author you are looking for. But if you want to discover a new comedy writer you can’t do it. You can’t browse and leaf through the comedy on offer because they’ve all been dispersed randomly throughout the shop.

With television and film comedy is put with comedy regardless of the genre. You don’t need to hunt through the horror section to find Shaun of the Dead, or trawl through Sci-Fi to find Red Dwarf. They are all bundled together. “You want something funny to watch? Here it is,” say the nice people in DVD shops. But books? “We’re too proud to have a comedy genre. This is literature darling.”

There is a “humour” section in most book shops but sadly this is full with novelty books and joke collections. I want to go into a store, in the mood for a funny novel, and to be able to browse through authors I’ve never heard of. There are enough of us to warrant it.

Or am I just being a pedant? What do you think?

Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff, Writers on Video

Is it all just Cock Soup?

It was a quiet Thursday afternoon. My television had mysteriously stopped working several weeks earlier. One day it was blazing its glorious bullshit into my mind the next minute the only thing on the screen was a rectangular box with the words “No Signal” in it. I am yet to establish a reason for my television’s sudden unwillingness to broadcast and am unlikely to find the energy to do so anytime soon.

Now I just sit there. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I just sit, staring at the blank screen, thinking about all the possibilities in the world, letting my mind slip into some kind of quiet hysteria. Somewhere in the silence, between my ears, was a deep truth. The whole universe was spread out before me. A meaning was within grasp. I pondered. I hypothesised and cogitated. I questioned and conjectured. I reached a deepness I didn’t know I had.

I went to Tesco. I found a product that would bring everything together in one great moment of enlightenment. I was giggling at the checkout.

This video is the sum total of all the wisdom I have gained from my weeks of thought and solitude. It shows me at my very deepest.

The video is called Cock Soup.

Andrew Chapman An Authors Life, The Other Stuff

Unified Field Theory of Pointless Moodiness

Einstein Happy

Trying to relieve stress with logic is like trying to put out a fire by explaining water to it. Yet here I am, thinking my way into happiness. When my siblings and I were teenagers my dad banned the word “stress” in the house insisting that there was no such thing. Especially if you’re a teenager. Now, as an adult, whenever I feel that certain pressure in the brain that we call stress I immediately feel embarrassed and stop it at once. He’s right though, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it. I spend a lot of time thinking about a lot of things. What I want to do is come up with a Unified Field Theory of Pointless Moodiness. In a similar way Einstein tried to bring Physics and Quantum Mechanics together in his Unified Field Theory. And, like him, I suspect I will ultimately fail.

The problem is my thoughts on the subject are a series of valid points that openly contradict each other (I won’t go into them all here, it will only become tedious.) My other problem is I’m not a particularly emotional person. Also, my inability to worry has led to a certain amount of hinderous (that’s a new word I just invented. Write it down and phone the OED for me) complacency. For many people when an overdue bill arrives in the post it is the worry of the consequences of not paying it that sets forth a plan of action. It sits in the mind and niggles at you and you won’t be able to relax until you have the burden of debt removed from your shoulders. I can’t remember the last time I worried about such things. If I have money I pay the bills. If I don’t have money I don’t pay the bills. The solution to a bill is to pay it, if the solution has to wait until payday then so be it. When payday comes around I will have almost certainly forgotten about the bill entirely and will go and spend the money in the pub instead. Where I have a thoroughly good time. You see, I have avoided worrying and also enjoyed a pint. When I remember about the bill again I make the same plan. It’s a marvellous thing.

UFTPM (Unified Field Theory of Pointless Moodiness)

Statement 1 –

Stress is the result of an unresolved problem.

Statement 2 –

A problem is only a problem if it can be solved.

Statement 3 –

If there is not a solution then what you are dealing with is not in-fact a problem (and therefore not stress – see statement 1.)

(It is either outside of your control, and therefor can’t be fixed with worry – not that anything can -, or the thing that is causing you stress cannot be fixed because it is a hardship or a tragedy. In that case you are only feeling stressed by accident and need to reassign a different emotion. I would recommend sadness.)

Statement 4 –

Nobody else cares. You should join them.

Statement 5 –

I fancy a pint. (And here my theory falls apart. Alas, Einstein, you and I are cursed by the same troubles.)

Summery

Time will pass, you are infinitely small and unimportant. Think of an elderly person. Can you see him? Walking down the road, or sitting in front of the telly. Do you think he remembers that Tuesday afternoon 40 years ago when he had a backlog of paperwork. Or that time he was on hold for like an hour and then the person who answered the phone had to re-divert him and then the line went dead and he had to call again when all he wanted to do is get his goddamn internet reconnected! No. Don’t be silly. He didn’t have the internet. Actually, if I’m honest I don’t know him very well, this imaginary old man of ours. Of course he doesn’t remember. Many years from now you too will be old and you will not remember the insignificant thing that is worrying you right now. Especially if it is work related.

Why am I banging on about stress? For the past week I was convinced that I was stressed. I was having a tough week at work (there has been a hostile takeover and everything has turned to shit) and I forgot how fleeting this moment is. I forgot that time would pass. Stress is an indulgent emotion. If it were a worthwhile feeling then it wouldn’t disappear so fast. As soon as you blurt out the thing that is annoying you to a friend, or an imaginary friend (even lunatics need to vent), all the stress falls away and you feel silly. Do you know why? Because there is no such thing. There is only the moment between the problem and the solution. Once you realise that, you will see, it is pointless getting down about it. It isn’t stress you’re feeling anyway. You probably just have a headache because you’ve had too much coffee.

If you are now feeling stressed, having just read about it (These things happen. Subliminal suggestion and all that. You’re probably thinking about that unpaid bill right now aren’t you? Or that parking fine maybe? Sorry about that.) I’ll tell you a joke to make you feel better.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

–

Wait, I’m not done yet. I have another joke for you.

–

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef but you can’t pea soup.

–

Alright, last one now.

–

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

–

Ok, one more.

–

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long face?”

And the horse says, “My mum just died.”

–

Ok, that one might have got you down again. Here, this one will cheer you back up, and then I promise I’m done.

–

Knock, Knock.

“Who’s there?”

“Your local MP.”

…

Knock, Knock

“Are you there? I said it’s your local MP. I’m out meeting my constabulary.”

Knock Knock.

“I’m not answering the door!”

–

Ok, I made the last two up. What was this post about? I’ve forgotten. Oh yes, Stress. Or something. Hold on. I’m trying to think of another joke. Ok, here we go.

–

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.”

“I’m not a doctor. The real doctor is dead. Now take off your trousers.”

–

Ha! That’s ridiculous. Ok, I’m going now.

Andrew Chapman An Authors Life, The Other Stuff

The Undisputed Poll

Gaa

Here’s the thing. I’ve been reading too much. I’ve also been writing a lot. Just not blog posts as you may have noticed, but a lot of novel writing. The blog has been left to asphyxiate from a lack of words. It needs constant content for it to survive but it’s not always possible. The blog for any writer is secondary. The proper writing always comes first. My problem is I write more than one thing at a time. Currently I am writing a kids book (Tommy, God of the Island of Wonder), a travel diary (Drowning in the Land of Madness) and a thriller (as yet unnamed), the blog simply takes a back seat. But the thing is the blog is the only thing that keeps my writing alive in the view of anyone that isn’t me. Every now and then it is important to feed this social beast. So welcome to a completely unimportant and unnecessary collection of words that are here for no good reason other than to be made of letters and to be in an order that reads as a coherent yet pointless series of sentences.

There’s no point in boring you though is there? I’ll tell you what, I’ll try and think of something interesting to say. Let me think. I’ll assume you are interested in writing, writers, books, and words, so an interesting thing about something related to that… Ok, here I go.

Did you know it is totally unnecessary to write anything in order to keep someone reading? It is more than possible to string someone along with the merest possibility of a payoff, even if the reader is half convinced already that he or she is wasting their time? You are wasting your time. But stick with me, because you know there is something interesting coming. The interesting thing is the following indisputable fact that I just came up with:

According to a recent poll 100% of people that took part agreed that they would be happy to be involved in a poll.

Good god, what the hell am I talking about? We’ll catch up again soon. I’ll think about what I’m going to write before I start next time.

Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff, Writers on Video

My Insolent Future Self

It was Saturday and my insolent future self was giving me lip. What has the world come to? We finally have the technology to make phone calls to the future and all I want to do is be sarcastic to me. What happened? And why do I appear to be a hologram? Did I die? If so, how? Unfortunately I had had enough of me and ended the call before I had a chance to find out. I just hope the death was a quick one. I’m going to learn from this. One thing I have learned is to never buy a robot named Silver that has emotions. It is clear from his voice that he’s on the edge of madness. A violent robotic killing spree is just around the corner, and the contempt for future me is unmistakable in the robots hysterical laughter. I’m sure robots are quite cable of dispatching a hologram.

Have a go yourself at https://futureself.orange.com/

Andrew Chapman Music Writing, The Other Stuff

Before Words, There Was Music

Music Typewriter

A little while ago I started writing music articles for a website called Gigape.com. Unfortunately 3 years of interviews, articles, and photos were lost by the server that hosted the website and Instead of starting fresh the guy that ran it decided to call it a day. This was a shame as I quite enjoyed writing for them and was frequently on the top spot of the most read list. He did go on to start a new website called www.LiveAndDieInMusic.com and I urge you to visit.

It seemed a shame to leave those articles doing nothing on my hard drive so I thought I’d drag some of them up from their resting place and give them new life via a new blog, linked to this one.

The new blog is called AndyChapMusic. I’ll use it to upload some of the old articles but it will also give me an outlet to write about music when the urge takes me. You’ll see at the top of this page there is now a new heading – Before Words There is Music. Anytime I write a new music post I will list it in there so check in now and then if you like hearing about new music. So far I have uploaded three articles (listed below) but I will be adding more daily.

The articles so far –

Dirty Beaches – Double LP Drifters/Love is the Devil

Thee Oh Sees – Floating Coffin LP Out Now

Bad Cop – Light On

 

Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff

Sexy Title Designed to Lure You In

The strange thing is, it’s not normally this easy to grab a reader’s attention. But there we are. I got you hooked. It’s lucky really because if you weren’t hooked and still reading these words I would look rather silly wouldn’t I? Still, here you are, still reading. And if you’re not still reading I’m still winning because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to read this to see just how presumptuous I am being. You see? Now, it is entirely possible that some of you will stop reading now to prove a point. Which is fine, go ahead and make your point, in fact feel free to comment and let me know just how disinterested you are. You were so unmoved be my post that you were moved to make a comment. There, you see, I win again. And now if you do comment I win, and if you don’t I also win. It’s win – win. Which is always a good thing. But somehow, and this may be a first, the wins are both mine. It’s actually win – win – lose. That’s 2 – 1 to me and all you’ve done is read a paragraph. And you didn’t even know you were playing a game. (If you’re wondering why it’s not 2 – 0, well, you get a point just for being here).

What is the point to all this? Who knows? All I know is there are an estimated 152,000,000 blogs currently active on the internet. That is a lot of competition. And where there is a competition there must be a winner, and so far (like I said) I am winning 2 – 1. Actually, since you’re still reading you can have an extra point. Now it’s a draw, 2 – 2.

It is remarkably difficult to write a blog post that immediately grabs someone’s attention and then keeps hold of it until the end. First of all you need something interesting to say. Unfortunately useful and interesting information is a key function of a blog that mine sadly lacks. People like to learn new things so what a really smart blogger would do is end the post either just before, or just as soon, as someone realises that they aren’t going to learn anything. I make that 3 – 2.

Andrew Chapman The Other Stuff

Beware the Korean Spies

Korean Spies

This is a bit weird. I was on YouTube about 45 minutes ago, wisely debunking the crazy conspiracy theories of internet nutcases, when The Republic of Korea started spying on me.

I commented on a video called Alien Humanoids Attend Kim Jong Il’s Funeral? 2011. If you have a look at the video on YouTube my comment is the one at the top (Kassidy Andy is my YouTube name). You will notice that I clearly and rationally proved that tall people are not aliens and that camera crews are quite capable of walking out of shot. You see, I solved the case, disproved the conspiracy, the video can now be removed from the internet and this whole thing can be forgotten.

But now, as I mentioned, Korea appears to be watching me. (Maybe I’m making things worse by talking about this in the very place they are checking up on me?). About 10 minutes after I made that comment on YouTube my WordPress Blog got viewed by someone in the Republic of Korea…

You see, now I’m just sounding like a conspiracy nut.

Here is a picture of my WordPress stats page –

Korean Stats

You see, I’m telling the truth. But what does it all mean? If the two things are connected, (it could just be a very fluky coincidence), how did they know about the blog? It is not connected in any way to my YouTube page. It must be a coincidence. For some reason someone in Korea just came across my blog just after I wrote about Korean Aliens on YouTube. Weird though. What do you think?