Great Writing Advice Great Writers Ignore

Transcript

If you are looking for tips to improve your writing you will find them here. But you will also discover that doing whatever the hell you want can work just as well too.

Gertrude Stein, the famous American novelist, poet, and playwright said –

Punctuation is necessary only for the feeble minded.

Before we venture into the spiralling madness of authors who go against the rules, I just discovered that the word “playwright” is written P L A Y W R I G H T . I assumed it would be spelled P L A Y W R I T E . Like someone who writes plays. Playwrite. This might be because I am a fool. It might also be because the English language is endlessly surprising. Etymologically speaking Playwright is similar to wheelwright. A wheelwright was someone who wrought wheels out of wood and iron. And so a playwright is someone who has wrought words into a dramatic form. Like the words have been hammered and bent into submission.

But this isn’t about playwrights. This is about rules god damn it, so let’s get to it.

There are hundreds of books about the rules of writing correctly. As authors we walk a tightrope of good grammar. At any moment we could fall into a pit of dangling participles, passive sentences, repetition, the much feared adverb that reveals the writers inability to show instead of tell, repetition, a misplaced comma, and god forbid; a rogue semi colon. And worst of all, repetition.

But how important are these rules and how much are they going to actually hinder your success?

Rule one

Only ever use he said or she said, and never follow it up with an adverb.

You don’t even need to use he asked, or she replied. He said is a tag to notify the reader who has spoken. They become invisible to the reader. We scan over them as we read.
Of course you can say, said Graham, or Susan said, but be warned; only do that if you have characters named Graham or Susan. If not, I would recommend using the names of your own characters. The key here is economy of words, and clarity. The reader wants to know who is speaking but nothing more. All the dramatic work should be done in the dialogue or the surrounding prose.

You might have a character at the breakfast table. His wife has prepared breakfast for him. And we get the following piece of dialogue. “I wanted my eggs runny, not raw,” said Graham, angrily.

Instead of using the word angrily, you would write something like, “I wanted my eggs runny, not raw,” said Graham, picking up his plate and throwing it at Susan.

You see, we have a vivid image, instead of “angrily”. There is no doubt that replacing the adverb is better.

Unless of course, you are one of the bestselling authors of all time.

Stephen King said about J. K. Rowling –

Ms Rowling seems to have never met an adverb she didn’t like.

It’s true. Her prose is littered with them.

I’m a sucker for this rule and I try to never use adverbs. But maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of throwing a few in every now and then. It hasn’t exactly hindered the success of Harry Potter.

Exclamation marks!

Avoid them. If you have more than three exclamation marks in your entire novel you have too many. It is lazy. It doing work that should be self-evident in the words being spoken, or the events that are unfolding. If you need to add a nudge at the end of sentence to let the reader know that THIS BIT IS REALLY SURPRISING then something is wrong.

Your words should speak for themselves without the fanfare to highlight how loud someone is shouting or that an explosion is really big. And just on an aesthetic level it makes the page look cluttered and messy.

Having said that, in Joe Hill’s hugely successful book, NOS4A2, there is an exclamation mark every time Charlie Manx, the bad guy in the story, speaks.

You will also find an excessive use of exclamation marks in the books of Tom Wolfe, F Scott Fitzgerald, Jane Austin, and of course the biggest offender of all, James Joyce.

Some people think of those authors as being amongst the best literary writers in history. So maybe using more than three in a book won’t be so bad.

Speech Marks

Here’s a curious one; when writing dialogue should you use the double quotation mark or the single one? That has a straightforward answer.

The publishing standard in the UK is to use a single quotation mark. And in the US, they use the double quotation mark.

Unless of course you’re the bestselling author Roddy Doyle, who uses neither. He just starts each piece of dialogue with a dash.

Cormac McCarthy, author of No Country for Old Men, and The Road, didn’t believe in speech marks either, saying –

I believe in periods, in capitals, in the occasional comma, and that’s it.

On the subject of basic punctuation, in the last twenty-four thousand words of James Joyce’s Ulysses there are only two full stops and one comma.

So what’s the point of all this? Well, simply, there is no right or wrong way to write well. You can do whatever the hell you like. The books that break through and become huge bestsellers are littered with broken rules. Nobody in the publishing industry can predict what makes a book become a bestseller. Writers have tried to hone their craft with best practices but, ultimately it’s for nothing.

My advice is that you should learn and understand all these things and then use them at your discretion. Be free to write the way you want to write.

Maybe you don’t need to polish your prose into a smooth perfectly formed generic thriller. Let it be a bit rugged around the edges. Let a bit of your voice come through.
Writing is like music. You can release a highly produced pop song that does well in the charts, and you will do well. For me, those songs are polished so smooth I bounce right off.

Or you can be like Bob Dylan. Sometimes he would screw up a word while singing and just say the word again. He didn’t even go back and rerecord it. It’s right there in the song. He might screw up twenty seconds in and just start eh song again, and it’s right there in the album. It’s those cracks in the perfection that let us in. It’s true for all art, and it’s especially true for writing.

That’s all from me!

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Another Year Burns to Ashes

In a few days I will be older than I was one year ago by exactly a year. It is quite remarkable. The same thing happened to me last year.

Last year, on the 12th of May, I was one year older than I was the year before on that exact same date. It really is a marvel. Something to be celebrated. A thing has been achieved. I must be showered with presents.

Once a year, on the day we slipped into the arms of a midwife – covered in God knows what – we push wax into cakes and light them on fire. Completely normal behaviour. The seasons have changed, I have less hair and am marginally uglier. Yippee. Let’s blow out some fire.

Time is spinning down the drain like dirty water. I have no idea what age I will become on the 12th of May (which is a Tuesday by the way. A day that nobody has any use for. What interesting thing has ever happened on a Tuesday? Only dull things. Meetings, rain, bills, stubbed toes: these are all Tuesday things.) I suppose I could work out how old I will be. I was born in 1984 so somewhere in my mid-thirties.

I have tried to forget the exact number. I am prone to thinking I am older than I am so it’s always a nice surprise when I discover my actual age.

I have just asked my partner, Rachel, and she says I will be turning thirty-six. I have no reason not to believe her.

People have been asking me what I want for my birthday. I have been replying with the answer, “Nothing.” Apparently this is not a good enough answer.

So I gave in. I decided fine, if they want to buy me presents, I will choose some presents.

I have logged into Rachel’s Amazon account and put things in her basket. I did the same with my mother’s account (for I have their login details. Bwa Ha Ha!).

I have been ordered to forget what these things are so they are still a surprise for me when I receive them so I’m afraid I can’t tell you what they are, for I have forgotten.

I will be back on the 12th May to share with you what I got. One of the items is over ten feet squared, so who knows where I’m going to put it? It won’t fit where we live.

If you would like to buy me a present (to celebrate the incremental journey to my eventual demise) you can do so by buying a gift for yourself: One of my brilliantly funny, witty, and just overall excellent novels.

Actually, you don’t even have to buy them. Below are links to the audiobooks of my first two novels where you can get them for free (UK only unfortunately). You enjoying my writing is as good a gift to me as anything. If you don’t have much use for an audiobook then both of the titles are available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon. I will leave you to search for them, rather than littering the page with links.

Tripping the Night Fantastic audiobook.

The Accidental Scoundrel audiobook.

Leave nothing to Death but a burned out castleNikos Kazantzakis

When Lovers Meteor – BBC InterConnected Screenplay – for anyone who wants it.

A few weeks ago the BBC put a call out for submissions with the following guidelines –

That’s why we’re asking for original short-form scripts, between 5-10 minutes in length whose 2-4 characters now find themselves in isolation, but connecting via video conferencing. They may be friends, lovers, neighbours, colleagues, family or strangers. But they’re all alone together and using modern technology to stay connected.

We want stories that take place throughout and via a conference call. Stories that show a moment of human interaction in an otherwise socially distanced world. Though of course, when it feels like the end of the world, the things we choose to say or the truths we reveal to one another may be the most surprising.

We want scripts that are compelling and hook us in. Ideas that have warmth and spirit, that astonish, amuse or enlighten us. They should be set now or in the near future.

I decided to submit and in a single week I came up with an idea, wrote it, polished it, and submitted it… as did 6803 others. A LOT of people got in on the action.

Unfortunately my script did not get chosen. So what to do with the script now? It’s just going to be sat in a file on my computer not doing a lot.

I like sharing. So here it is, my submission for you all to read. If anyone wants to make it as a student project or because you are bored during lockdown and have the means to do it, it is all yours. You have my full permission to use the screenplay, produce it, change it, do what you like with it. But if anyone out there does decide to record a version of it, let me know so I can watch it.

Here’s the PDF – When Lovers Meteor

Feed me for free

Hello! I have two books to give away. Both as audiobooks and Kindle ebooks. (Unfortunately I only have UK codes left for the audiobooks but the Kindle editions are free to everyone).

The links for the audiobooks are really easy to use. Two clicks and the book will be in your Audible library.

Currently I am not getting paid by work. You can help me feed the family by downloading the audiobook for free as I still get paid commission for free downloads!

In fact, if you don’t already have Audible and you make one of my books the first book you get (which is free, so you won’t need one of my codes) I receive an even higher bounty (and then you can always uninstall after your free trial 👍).

BOOK ONE

Tripping the Night Fantastic

Rude, charming, funny and offensive. Tripping the Night Fantastic is a dark comedy about a writer, Charlie Deavon, who attempts to solve a murder that he is accused of while under the influence of a new hallucinogenic drug called Merlin. Struggling with reality and suspecting he might be a character in a novel, Charlie trips and hallucinates his way to the solution of this unique and uproariously funny murder mystery.

Click here for the audiobook –

https://www.freeaudiobookcodes.com/book_details.php?BOOK_ID=1228

It appears I have made a blunder on the promotion and the kindle edition of this book won’t be available until tomorrow. I do apologise 🤦‍♂️

Kindle –
UK – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tripping-Night-Fantastic-Andrew-Chapman-ebook/dp/B0081SHPEW/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1585740505&sr=8-1

US – https://www.amazon.com/Tripping-Night-Fantastic-Andrew-Chapman-ebook/dp/B0081SHPEW/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1585740505&sr=8-1

BOOK TWO

The Accidental Scoundrel

A group of elderly and bored aristocrats have taken to stealing rare and priceless items to pass the time. A young man named Richard gets swept up in their world when he gets engaged to the daughter of the dangerously unpredictable Lord Rochdale. Although Richard is not particularly comfortable with theft, or much of the roguish behaviour that goes with it, he must prove to Rochdale that he has scoundrel potential in order to marry his daughter and, more importantly, stay alive.

With the help of a disgruntled horse and a genius street urchin Richard haphazardly stumbles his way through Rochdale’s trials and not only survives but gains the respect (although he’s not entirely sure how) of Lord Rochdale and his elite group of scoundrels. Now all he has to do is steal a priceless bottle of whiskey.

“Do we have a new Wodehouse?” (Robert Wingfield, The INCA Project)

“Anyone disappointed that Hugh Laurie’s second novel never turned up will be glad they picked up The Accidental Scoundrel and gave it a damn good reading.” – Jem Roberts, author of the upcoming official Fry and Laurie biography, Soupy Twists!

https://www.freeaudiobookcodes.com/book_details.php?BOOK_ID=1229

Kindle –
UK – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Accidental-Scoundrel-Andrew-Chapman-ebook/dp/B01M23R7F1/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1585739900&sr=8-1

US – https://www.amazon.com/Accidental-Scoundrel-Andrew-Chapman-ebook/dp/B01M23R7F1/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1585739900&sr=8-1

If you enjoy the books please please do leave a review and include some version of the following to adhere to Audible’s (and Amazon’s) review policies – “I was given this audiobook for free in exchange for an honest review.”

Thank you for reading.

The Manic Race to the Deadline! First draft done!

Last night was a bit mental. I had made a public declaration on here and on the Bestseller Experiment podcast group on Facebook, that I would complete a novella by midnight on the 31st Jan. On the 1st Jan I only had one chapter. Yesterday morning I still had six chapters to write.

I decided to document my race to the end with short videos on TikTok and shared them on Twitter and Instagram. I needed to give myself the added pressure of other people’s expectations.

Midnight came and I still had three chapters to go. I finally finished at 1:44 this morning, feeling frazzled and slightly nuts.

It’s done!!

Much polishing to do now. A cover is in the works which I will reveal soon.

The story is called Gnome. It’s a homage to creature feature movies from the 80s. Critters, Gremlins, The Gate, and Ghoulies. And the basic idea behind the story was inspired by a Brothers Grimm story of the same name.

This was only the first part of my public declaration. The second part is to complete a story called The Projectionist and The Wall People by 30th April. And then to finish a movie screenplay called Price of Life by the last day in June.

It’s going to be a busy year. I can’t wait!

Here’s the last video I posted at 1:44 this morning-

Using TikTok to Build a Readership. #1

TikTok is a social media app that mostly involves lip syncing teenagers and dance routines. It is not a place for literature… Seems like the perfect place to chisel out a niche.

If you are unfamiliar with the format, here are the basics:

There are three ways to post content; a 15 second video, a 60 second video, or a photo montage.

You can easily add special effects and filters. You are limited to 100 characters in your description, which must include your hashtags.

You film your short video, post it, and with any luck you start to amass likes and followers.

I am new to TikTok but I thought it might be interesting to share any insights and tips that I glean along the way.

Here is the first TikTok I made with my manifesto –

https://m.tiktok.com/v/6781552820412763398.html?u_code=d75g03f9lil9kf&preview_pb=0&language=en&timestamp=1579162652

I’m writing a dark fairy tale horror based on the Brothers Grimm story, Gnome. I will be documenting my progress and process regularly.

I will also be posting writing tips (sometimes serious, and sometimes not so serious, as in the TikTok below).

https://vm.tiktok.com/XwphSb/

It is important as authors that we experiment with different ways of reaching and interacting with readers. This TikTok thing might crash and burn, but it might not. Either way I’ll be doing weekly updates with stats right here on my blog. So please follow me if you are curious about how this goes. Maybe you’ll decide to take to TikTok too, in which case you must let me know; we’ll do a duet.

I’ll get into TikTok duets in another post but, should I gain momentum, a duet is a way of giving new TikTokers an introduction to like minded followers. We’ll grow together.

The link below will take you straight to my TikTok profile. Feel free to cringe at my early attempts at content. Eesh. It’s a learning process, right? And don’t forget to press that follow button!

https://m.tiktok.com/v/6781552820412763398.html?u_code=d75g03f9lil9kf&preview_pb=0&language=en&timestamp=1579162652

So, I’ve been on TikTok for three days so far. At the bottom of each TikTok update on this site I’ll publish my stats so you can see my growth and decide if it would be a worthwhile venture for yourself.

I’ll share my failed posts, my successful ones, everything; the good and the bad. Things are going to get experimental and weird. Until next time.

Andy

The Gremlin and a Public Declaration.

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m sitting in the passenger seat of a van on the way home from work. A black gremlin has just crawled out of the air vent and is now peering at me from behind the laptop screen. My plan was to write the next scene in a screenplay but this gremlin won’t stop staring. It’s off-putting. He licks his lips and blinks with one eye and then the other.

I look into its eyes and see words falling in a grey mist. I know what the gremlin is. It is nine different works in progress coalesced into a starving monster. It’s hungry. It needs feeding. It’s time to let it die.

The only way to actually kill it, contrary to logic, is to give it a full meal. Instead of writing a few hundred words here and there over a bunch of different stories I need to focus on one. So that’s it. That’s the plan. But which project do I chose?

I’ll start with the shortest one. Get that finished. Then I’ll only have eight to choose from. So here’s a public declaration; the story I’m going to focus on is a twisted little fairy tale for adults called Gnome. It’s a little known Brother’s Grimm story I’m having fun playing with. I’m giving myself a strict deadline. Midnight, Friday 31st January 2020.

Once that is done I will write The Projectionist and the Wall People. A pulp B-movie-esque horror novella. Another short timeline; three months. It will be done by midnight, Thursday 30th April 2020.

Already the gremlin is lightening up. He has gained a dopey smile and has just burped.

So, those are the two novellas I’m going to write. But there’s something else. I’m also writing a film script and I want to have the first draft finished by the end of May. I will be writing that alongside both of the novellas. It’s a different kind of storytelling and I think I have time in my week to do both without taking attention, or quality, away from one or the other.

That will free me up to start work on my next full length novel starting on Monday 1st June. By then I will hopefully have chosen which novel idea that will be. Too many ideas. I’m sure there will be plenty more new and shiny ideas that I’ll want to start working on by the time the 1st June comes around so I’ll put off thinking about that until then.

The gremlin has climbed down from my laptop and is now napping on my knee. I won’t have to kill him after all. He just needed to know there was a plan.

Okay, back to work. What shall I write? Oh yeah, Gnome. A couple of girls are about to be swallowed by the earth. Let’s hope it’s not too painful for them.

One Page Punch Up

I submitted the first page of my new book to The Bestseller Experiment podcast to be criticised in what they call a One Page Punch Up. There were many submissions but, to my joy (and sudden apprehension), I got selected!

And so best-selling author, Mark Stay (author of Back to Reality and the film Robot Overlords starring Gillian Anderson and Ben Kingsley) and Juliet Ewers (Publishing Associate at Orion Publishing who has previously worked with Ian Rankin and Michael Conolly) critiqued the opening page of Shelley Town RPG, my latest novel (it’s a Stephen King-esque horror).

The episode came out. Me and Rachel pressed play and listened. A grin started to spread across my face. By the time it was done we were speechless.

If you want yo hear what these two respected experts had to say about my writing you can listen on the link below! They reviewed five pages. Mine is first so you won’t have to scroll through the audio trying to find me.

EP231: One Page Punch-Ups with Juliet Ewers